I Needed Him
by AndyElizabeth
Summary: Andy's thoughts during "Hot and Bothered". Almost a stream of consciousness. Rated T because we know what almost happened.


_Note: This is my first story, and I really wanted to capture what Andy was thinking because this scene was just so good!_

_Disclaimer: I do not own Rookie Blue._

I stare at my keys.

He told me he would be there for me, and now, even though I couldn't  
tell him in the locker room, I need him.

That's all it takes to convince me to pick up my keys, and as I start  
to move towards the door I'm frightened by the absence of the wall that  
has always surrounded my heart.

My feet seem to move by themselves, and as they begin to close the  
distance to his front door, my heart begins to match their pace.

Not once have I thought of the consequences of what I'm about to do,  
but after my knuckles somehow find their way to the door, I'm aware of a little voice telling me that no matter how I feel, this is so wrong.

Then he opens the door.

All I see is him, and my heart beats so fast I'm surprised it's still  
beating at all. I can't think, let alone speak, so I'll let him go  
first. I trust him to say what I need to hear.

He stares at me; bearing a small resemblance to the way, just minutes  
ago I had been staring at my keys.

"Hey"

With that one simple word, I remember every single reason why I shouldn't be here, starting with losing my job and ending with a broken heart.  
These should scare me, should make me turn around and run, like they  
always have before.

But this is him.

"You alone?"

I have no idea why I'm asking, because I know he is. I can tell by the  
way he looked at me when he opened the door.  
He looks back into the hallway, and I watch him try to regain some of  
the composure I stole from him when I arrived breathless on his  
doorstep. He turns back.

"Ya, you wanna talk?"

Always the gentleman, he's given me a way out. Just a few weeks and he  
already knows my better than most. He knows what I want and he's giving  
me a way to save myself.

Unfortunately, I am way past saving.

"No"

With that I push myself against him, and then both of us into the  
wall. I feel him hesitate briefly, and I am comforted by the fact  
that once of us is still thinking straight; but then I press my lips  
to his, and just like that I've pulled him onto the hole I've created  
for myself, the hole that I came here to be pulled out of.

I really do know this is wrong, but when he lifts me up  
onto his hips, I've never felt anything so right. I feel the smile  
tugging at my lips, and I kiss him again, relishing the way it feels to have his arms around me. He lays me down on the bed and my mind is empty of anything but him, and the way my skin tingles where he's touched me.

Then the lights come back on.

At first, I want nothing more than for him to keep kissing me, to keep holding me; but as he brushes his nose against mine  
in a gesture that is so tender my heart nearly bursts, the reality of what we were about to do comes crashing down on me.

"The powers back on" he says.

I know I have to say something, but my brain will not allow my lips to  
say the words I want to so badly, so I settle for something else.

"I guess that means everything goes back to normal" I say, trying  
hard not to think about the three words forming behind my lips.

"I'll just go turn some things off" he says softly, and then  
disappears in to the adjacent rooms.

When he's gone, I find it a little harder to breath, and that scares  
me more than any nightmare I came here to escape.  
I lie still for a moment and try to breathe, to convince myself of  
something, anything that will justify the way I'm feeling.

I feel a vibration in my pocket and even before I begin to reach for  
the phone I know who it is. I ignore it, and suddenly feel guilty for  
the guilt that I should be, but am not feeling.

The same way I had reached for my keys, I reach for my shirt, and I  
put myself back into autopilot to stop the emotions that are running  
wildly through my head.

I look up and he's in the doorway, and the look in his eyes makes me realize that maybe I didn't just break my own heart.

"Ya, I guess that means everything goes back to normal"

I can tell from his tone that he's trying to tell me it's okay, but I  
know it's not. I came here tonight with the intention of healing  
myself, and I can see how much I hurt him in the process.

He turns to leave and even though I know he won't hear me, I whisper  
the words behind my lips. The words I will deny ever feeling when I  
come back to my senses.

"I love you"

With that I close myself off, and I get up off the bed. I fight myself  
every step to the door, and a few steps later, I am emotionally  
exhausted and I want nothing more than to run back into his arms.

I don't though, and only after I've quietly shut the door do I notice  
the tears running down my face. I don't wipe them away because I know  
more will follow.

My feet are once again, not under my control, and thankfully they take  
me away from his doorstep. I have no idea where I'm going, but I'm  
running now.

Away from his house, away from my feelings, away from the way he  
looked at me.

And maybe, if I'm fast enough, I'll outrun my shattering heart.


End file.
